P's Lesson on Graphs and Pie Charts

Hillary, Get off the bike! Step away from the bike!

The 0:32 second mark is where it all kicks in.

Mic Check. Check Mic 2. Mic 2 Check.

V For Vonnegut

Ok, before I go any further, drop everything you're doing and watch the video that's below this post. It's incredible, and made my day at least five or six times better. In fact, Im hesitant to even write this post because the video should permanently be the featured piece. It's so ridiculous. Double in fact, I think we should all the make the effort to include THE WICKER MAN video as our screensaver/wallpapers/baby diapers for the toddlers out there that are Nic Cage fans. Then again, who doesnt like Nic Cage, oh yeah that's right, me. Hahaha Adaptation was a winner, we can all agree on that. Very similar quality to that of the CONAIR, very similar themes.

All right but heres another Vonnegut for you. I have been getting away from this lately, none to my liking, because honestly, you can pick up a Kurt Vonnegut book, any Kurt Vonnegut book, and find six or seven seriously life-changing rhetorical shots. That's what his writing style maintains: sharp, quick hitting prose, and like an uppercut from Hillary Swank, they will knock you on your ass. Pussy.

He's the best and this quote has been cycling through my mind today, it sums up my feelings about TV. Arrested Development, BBC OFFICE, Chappelle Show, and Ali G, of course, are all excluded from this judgmental statement:

This is from Hocus Pocus, one of his definitely better works.

"There was a Japanese set in front of us. There were Japanese TV sets all over the prison. They were like portholes on an ocean liner. The passengers were in a state of suspended animation until the big ship got where it was going. But anytime they wanted, the passengers could look through a porthole and see the real world out there.

Life was like an ocean liner to a lot of people who werent in prison, too, of course. And their TV sets were portholes through which they could look while doing nothing, to see all the World was doing with no help from them.

Look at it go!"


BAM!

Now lets go save some starving kids. Ok watch The Wicker Man video then go save some starving kids. Peace peace peace.

"The Wicker Man" Video

Random Scenes from "The Wicker Man." Hilarious.

Barack Obama Wants To Do The Superbowl Shuffle!

Barack is the Man!

News Thats Not Real

OK friends, here are some more Onion-type headlines, let me know when the smell gets to you.

-Animal Testing Lab Falls Victim To Breast Cancer Awareness Raid
-Area Man Wishes Had Hybrid's Independence
-Daniel Day-Lewis Fears Typecast Of Husband In Most Recent Marriage
-Human Growth Hormone Spawns Massive Lincoln Head On Penny
-Middle School Struggles To Get Same Attention As Older, Younger Schools
-Overworked Democrats Hand Congress Back To Republicans
-Spare House Key Hidden In Family Dog
-A Velociraptor Balloon Animal Belongs In A Museum
-Celebrity Stabber Demands Full Creative Control Of Next Project
-Spiritual Actualization Ends At Strip Poll
-Sudanese Diplomats Hopelessly Disgraced By Unpaid Parking Tickets
-Fallen War Hero's Mom Just As Satisfied With The Medal
-Ticker-Tape Parade Scheduled For 'Whoever Makes It Home' From Iraq
-DNA Links Man To Himself

Clubs

I was looking up the aforementioned club and came upon a list of clubs. There are over 600 student organizations at the University of Iowa. Who knew? I found a list of all the organizations and picked out some of my favorites:

Balloon Club
Beastiality [sic] at College
Best Buddies
Coalition Against Terror
Country Clubs
Faculty Wives
Flying Club
Hawkeye Jump Rope Club
Hick Hawks
Housemothers Club
Iowa Mountaineers
Iowa X-Ray Club
Know-Nothing Club
Progressive Hip Hop: A Scene Evolving
Purple Mask
Rifle Club
Saturday Lunch Club
The Club
University Married Student Organization
Wayzgoose
Walt Whitman Club

the full list of clubs is located here - http://www.lib.uiowa.edu/spec-coll/archives/guides/RG01.15.04.htm

New Year's

Its never too late to consider New Year Resolutions, here are some ham-filled thoughts. I love you:


The New Year, is always such an exciting, exciting time. A hopeful time. For you humans that are capable of feeling hope. I had a great New Year’s this year. I spent the night with 50 total strangers, all of whom didn’t know I was there.

So I spent the night by myself and had a champagne or 20. And whenever the ball drops at midnight, I always get hopeful and sentimental. So when it was midnight, I paused, threw up on the girl next to me, cleaned her off a bit, didnt apologize, and thought, man, this is going to be my year. 2007 is going to my year. There will be no year like this year. You get that? That New Year’s buzz, where youre so excited about life because it’s the new year, anthing can happen, anything is possible. you have a new bounce in your step. But then January 2 comes around and you wake up, and you’re like, “Oh yeah, that’s right, my life sucks.”

All the sudden, You walk outside and a huge rain cloud descends over your head and your head only, and it follows you everywhere. Your like. “Man I thought I was going to get away with it this year, but the suck cloud found me again.”

But I do think its important to remain optimistic and that’s why we have New Years Resolutions. We have New Year’s Resolutions so we can kid ourselves into thinking that if we announce that we are going to do something, by gosh, we will do it! But to me, ultimately, New Year Resolutions are like supermodels, they are fun to fantasize about, but really hard to meet.

I love New Yea r’s Resolutions though, because you hear people saying the craziest things in the most determined way. “THIS IS THE YEAR THAT I TAKE MY EXERCISE BALL SERIOUSLY!!!!! No More treating it like as really fun bouncy ball, No More throwing it at my kids! I’m going to use the ball for it’s intended purposes, and Im going to give myself a 37-pack. If not a 37 pack, I’m going to give my stomach two kegs and a 40 of Miller high life.”

But resolutions last for a couple of days, then you’re back to watching Fear Factor reruns and eating buckets of loose meat. So instead of resolutions, I have come up with a list of things that I will NOT be doing in 2007, because I know these are things that I can really count on. I will read one now and the rest through out the rest of the night.

New Year’s resolutions that I am NOT Going to Do:

-In the year 2007, I will NOT struggle with my self confidence. I will have NO problems with my self-esteem. What do you mean you wont have any problems with your self-confidence? Of you course you will struggle with your self-esteem. Who do you think you are, you CLUELESS PANSY.

-In the year 2007, I will NOT become BLACK. This will not be by choice. I am well fed up with my CASPER tan, and would love to become African-American, but unfortunately my racist genes WONT let that happen.

-In the year 2007, I will NOT shamelessly endorse or advertise any product, but seriously though, have you tired the all new REAL white meat chicken nuggets from McDonalds. They’re incredible. Isnt it scary that now McDonald’s calls it REAL meat, I guess before the nuggets were made out of Nutrasweet.

-In the year 2007, I will NOT shoot a man on a horse. I repeat, in the year 2007, I will NOT shoot a man on a horse. However, a man on top of my mother will be as good as dead.

-In the year 2007, I will NOT childproof my home. No, I refuse to childproof my home. This means that I will finally be able to get into the refrigerator, open jars of my baby food, and use a REAL toilet.

-In the year 2007, there will be no jigging of any kind. I will not participate in the jig, watch a jog being performed, I don’t want to even smell the jig. I will not even lift one of my legs to stretch. However, small rotating hip circles are perfectly acceptable.

Senior Picture

PROVIDENCE, R.I. - Rhode Island's education commissioner ordered a high school on Friday to publish a yearbook photo showing a teenage medieval enthusiast with a sword.

Portsmouth High School authorities can regulate editorial content in the yearbook, but they acted unreasonably by rejecting Patrick Agin's photo, hearing officer Paul Pontarelli wrote in a ruling approved by Education Commissioner Peter McWalters.

Agin, a 17-year-old fan of the Middle Ages, wore chain mail and slung a prop sword over his shoulder for his senior portrait at Portsmouth High School. School officials said the picture violated a zero-tolerance policy on weapons and rejected the picture for the yearbook.

The Rhode Island branch of the American Civil Liberties Union, which represents Algin's family, has argued that the school has allowed students to pose for more than a decade with props that show their interests, including musical instruments and horses.

Portsmouth Schools Superintendent Susan Lusi did not immediately return a phone call seeking comment Friday night.

In the ruling, state education officials wrote that school officials offered to publish Agin's photo if it was part of a paid yearbook advertisement.

"Tolerance for weapons can be purchased," Pontarelli wrote. "This is illogical."

________________________________________________________________

I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that this kid probably gets laid all the time. I bet he has a hard time getting through airport security check points. ZING! *Rimshot* YIKES! Cheers to Patrick. He draws the line at the ubiquitous striped button down shirt. He takes his senior pictures with a true sense of style and inteligency*.

This story reminds me of a University of Iowa organization that B used to belong to. It was a club where members would dress up like a bunch of jerks, every Monday in Hubbard Park they would swing fake weapons at each other. Maybe he can elaborate on the subject in a future blog. He spoke very highly of the organization. A less secretive version of the Skulls, the Northern Illinois University chapter. Most of its members are now high ranking officials of the IOA (Interns of America).

* not a word

Facebook?

Those of you unaware of the technological crack house called facebook- stop reading here, you will be doing yourself a service. People measure their social status through a simple left-click, "accept Sally Facebook as a friend" "add Sally Facebook as a friend." The more friends you have, the better you feel about yourself.

Facebook is like an Internet high school lunchroom without shitty mashed potatoes.

What if someone goes to a small, private college? How will people judge them as a person and decide whether or not they are a valuable asset? They may have a smaller group of friends then say someone who went to a large school. Therefore decreasing their value as a person and member.

When I was a kid I used to collect basketball cards. The objective of collecting these cards was to collect as many cards as possible. These pieces of paper were going to pay for my college education as long as they were kept mint condition in plastic cases. Interestingly enough, I have graduated college and these same basketball cards collect dust in my attic and yield no profit.

A paradigm? Is facebook like my binder of basketball cards? Did I really just use the word "paradigm?" What does that word mean?

YIKES!

Real Fake News

Hey, here are some ONION type headlines to choke on. Enjoy, they dont smell too bad.

-Deaf Gossip Columnist Seeing Signs That Britney Is Ready To Date Again
-Grotesquely Obese Man Accepts Fate As Inadvertent Health Club Spokesman
-Amateur Photographer Discovers Talent In Euphemisms
-George Harrison's Remains Discovered In Thrift Store, Bought For $1.75
-Environment Friendly Fire Alarm Remains Perfectly Silent
-Americans Remember The President After Nixon And The One Before Carter
-Book Club Not The Same Without Oprah's Approval

Phoney?

Everyone accuses Dane Cook of stealing material and being hack. Here's a bit I wrote for Dane Cook. I think he could pull this off. It should be read out loud and every word should be over pronounced.

"Today I was thinking about high school gym class. I started thinking about the gym uniforms they made us wear. I thought about how certain girls asses looked in those tight gym shorts. I began thinking how about hard it was to hide a boner in those same gym shorts. For those unfamiliar to the concept of a "brunch boner" (strongly emphasize the phrase- using your fingers as quotation marks) it's when you get a mid-day erection, after breakfast but before lunch- usually during P.E. hour. I remember running the mile, with my eye on the prize, Jennifer Smith's ass. (point two fingers towards eyes, one finger at fictional ass- start running around the stage) Remember that? Just Running. Running. Running. Running. Running Running? Remember that? Running. Running. Running. Running. Running. BAM! (stops dead in track- signaling an erection with pointer finger) "The Old B and B", "The B Squared", "The Bed and Breakfast", "The Brunch Boner." It's like what do I do with this thing? Do I jazz hands over my junk? Do I look for duct tape? Do I run to the locker room? "Brunch Boner" BAM!" (stares into camera).

Happy New Year

Happy New Year From Tribute To The Best Blog In The World.

We will be back from hiatus shortly.

we are shaving off our ironic mustaches.
we are exchanging black rims for contacts.
we are finishing the last case of the pabst blue ribbon.
we are smoking our last carton of parliament cigarettes.
we are donating our last pair chuck taylors.
we are not hipsters?

We'll be back with more elite speak and snarky syntax in a few.