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Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Three Men and a Little...

I've got some movie ideas to pitch to the studios:



Synopsis:

A comey starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Vin Diesel, and John Cena. Three federal agents are assigned to look after a baby found in an abandoned Shiite mosque in a small Iraqi town. The film follows the mishaps and adventures of three bachelors as they attempt to adapt to fatherhood and the muslim religion, while simutaneously protecting the child from being captured by anti-war protestors.

Sam and Criminy Kraffft present Drugachusettes

Sketch from Mr. Show

Monday, February 26, 2007

Click on the link for a comic strip that I made (Inspired by Gob Bluth):

TTTBBITW Comic Strip: The Suit

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Somethin' Else

Here is a CD everyone should listen to. Considered one of the greastest jazz albums of all time.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Taser Video

I was searching YouTube and found this gem-

These are my two favorite lines from the video:

Mike: "Bring that dog out, I will box that fucker right now!"

Cop: What's your first name?
Big Guy : Mike
Cop: Mike, my name's Rob.
Big Guy : What's up?

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Hiccups For Three Weeks!

This girl has had the hiccups for three weeks! I laughed for awhile and then felt real bad for her. Best part is when Matt Lauer said "Bad news, some people have had these for decades, not you though." Hopefully she gets rid of them soon.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Bad Break-Up Email

I got this in an e-mail. Pretty funny. The first part is a girl's apology email for cheating. Second is his response which was forwarded to his entire address book.
_______________________________________

Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry,and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all or anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.

It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you.

It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me,and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can Say or do to take back what happened,but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined.It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it. I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe some other time.

Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that. I am so sorry.

Elizabeth

____________________________________________________

RESPONSE:

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about".

You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing";Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't F**k him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blonde who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector.

I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room. The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last Saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I forwarded about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never,

Brad

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Jesus, ETC

Hey friends, I wanted to share this tune with you all, Im sure many of you are familiar with it, "Miami" by Will Smith, this crafty beat, bumps harder and faster than a double-turbo boat jet engine...ahh I'm kidding and proud of it.

No this is one for the ages, Jesus, Etc by the Wilco. Wilco is phenominal and my new current obsession, (Dont worry Bruce were still best friends) plus they're from Chicago, which means they have Abraham Lincoln blood and wear stovepipe hats at most of their shows.

Back to Jesus, Etc, this joint comes off Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, great disc. Ive listened to Jesus, Etc on repeater now for about two years stopping only to paint life-size pictures of Jesus carrying a sign that says ETC. They're 35.50 if you want to order one, check half.com.

This tune is so fantastic. Great pieces of art serve as an oasis, a protective encampment where you can hang your hat and smoke a peace pipe if only for a moment or two, then its back on the road to a family who doesnt love you. Hehe. So by definition, Jesus Etc is the Jellystone National Park of songs, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Jesus Etc

Jesus, don't cry
You can rely on me honey
You can combine anything you want

I'll be around
You were right about the stars
Each one is a setting sun

Tall buildings shake
Voices escape singing sad sad songs
Tuned to chords strung down your cheeks
Bitter melodies turning your orbit around

Don't cry
You can rely on me honey
You can come by any time you want

I'll be around
You were right about the stars
Each one is a setting sun

Tall buildings shake
Voices escape singing sad sad songs
Tuned to chords strung down your cheeks
Bitter melodies turning your orbit around

Voices whine
Skyscrapers are scraping together
Your voice is smoking
Last cigarettes are all you can get
Turning your orbit around

Our love
Our love
Our love is all we have

Our love
Our love is all of God's money
Everyone is a burning sun

Tall buildings shake
Voices escape singing sad sad songs
Tuned to chords strung down your cheeks
Bitter melodies turning your orbit around

Voices whine
Skyscrapers are scraping together
Your voice is smoking
Last cigarettes are all you can get
Turning your orbit around

Last cigarettes are all you can get
Turning your orbit around
Last cigarettes are all you can get
Turning your orbit around

Friday, February 09, 2007

Joke

A man walks into a Chinese bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"

The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."

The bartender says, "Once upon time was four bears..."

Folks!?

Forks!?