Tribute To The Best Blog In The World

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Words of Wisdom

I heard this song on the radio the other day- for the first time in a long time. It's kind of like 1,000 "Sex In the City" quotes except a little more meaningful. Good read for a recent graduate.

Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young
Chicago Tribune
Mary Schmich
Published June 1, 1997

Inside every adult lurks a graduation speaker dying to get out, some world-weary pundit eager to pontificate on life to young people who'd rather be Rollerblading. Most of us, alas, will never be invited to sow our words of wisdom among an audience of caps and gowns, but there's no reason we can't entertain ourselves by composing a Guide to Life for Graduates.

I encourage anyone over 26 to try this and thank you for indulging my attempt.

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Happy Halloween!

The other day I decided to drive to Milwaukee. I took the scenic route from Chicago along Lake Michigan, the "Lake Tour." I passed through some small towns. The weird thing about small towns is that some of them designate a day before Halloween for "Trick or Treating." After passing through three of these towns I decided that we should drop the whole October 31st deal. Kids should only be allowed to go and beg complete strangers for food on the last Saturday of October. The last time I begged a complete stranger for food was my roommate, he wasn't cool with it at all. I was a poor college kid who spent all his money on Busch Light and sunflower seeds. He liked to hoard large quantities of Organic Lemon cookies. It wasn't cool if I Keebler Elved the shit out of his stash. Would it have been okay if I yelled "Trick or Treat" every time I took one?

Passing through the towns I saw some pretty sweet costumes. My favorite was a 14 year old Trick or Treating by himself wearing only a pair of shades and a cape as If to say "I'm here, let's do this!" He skipped the whole costume shopping at Target, where he could pick up a Superman costume for $25.99. Maybe he knew that that the next time he'd wear it would be freshman year of college. 10 of his drunk frat brothers would convince him that a youth large Superman costume/Lamp Shade combination would remedy all of his problems with the ladies.

Well...I'm off to hit the streets as a 22-year old Superman. Hopefully my neighbor still wraps nickels in aluminum foil. I've got 32 costumes and a zero balance bank account.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Insane Clown Posse



Insane Clown Posse To Be Featured In New Las Vegas Cirque Du Soleil Production

Las Vegas, NV. - Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope, frontmen of the wildly successful Insane Clown Posse proclaimed, "Bitch, This one is for all the juggalos out there, never has there been such a spectacle since the sixth joker card dropped." Juggalos are the heart and soul of the duo, their most dedicated fans.

Three midgets effortlessly belted out handstands and beer bonged Faygo Root Beer while Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope drank 40's and popped prescription pain medication when we spoke with the duo during rehearsals in the Bingo Hall at Terrible's Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. From first glance they look like two normal guys with clown make-up on- During the interview Violent J descibed his inability to achieve an erection without the help of Viagra because of all the "fugly fat bitches I fucked in the early nineties" while on tour with Marilyn Manson-Shaggy 2 Dope uses his Blackberry to communicate with his wife and 2 kids in Grand Island, NB while a Las Vegas stripper tells him about her asshole of an ex-husband who refuses to pay child support for her three kids.

ICP are known best for their work in the WWE where the won the hearts of wrestling fans all over the world. Lesser known for their short and fading rapping career. "Bitch, We are going to show these French pricks how to run a circus, we've got an All-American cast of freaks, juggalos, and over 1,000 gallons of Faygo Cola to soak the audience with " said Violent J.

The show can best be described as a white trash version of Blue Man Group. The perfect mix of cheap generic soda pop, beastiality, and shock white gangsta rap. The 75 seat hall proves to be a perfect environment for the weekly show. Tickets are onsale at the Terrible's Box Office.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

FRIEND

Its been a while since we checked in at the Tribute to the Best Blog in the World, the truth is that me and the other editor of this thing, Denzel Washington, had been on a safari in Morrocco. T'was a beautiful time. Who knew Mexicans could count and play shuffle board at the same time?

Anyways, I want to dedicate this post to all of the troops overseas, You are serving our country bravely and I just want to say...hahhaaha, just fucking with ya (The last comment was sacrcasm and should be interrupted as such, please do not revoke my U.S. citizenship. I love this country and I support your War of Terror (Borat)).

No this is one for my buddy, one of my lifepartners, Matt Kotrba. Thanks for reminding me what's really important in this bionic hyperbole carved White Castle cravecase called life.

Everybody puts on blue shoes and blue hats and blue pants with blue socks. Especially the Irish. But Matt wore red a lot and sometimes even green, and during his more wild years, yellow and sometimes even brown. There's a WORD for people who fully grasp the fleeting benality of existense, laugh at it, and then choose to act otherwise, they direct their feet outside of the pervailing mundane segregated lines of say, a sidewalk or schedule. The word Im looking for is LIVING. It's an important one.

Thanks Matt.

Some of the clearest purest Nike Air Jordan times I ever had in my life were with you. Formative years, pubeless years, but great years none the less. I will never forget you, but more importantly, Im going to keep everything we did in a keyless vault in my cranium for the rest of my life. I will see you on the other side my brother.

THIS really MUST BE THE PLACE.

TALKING HEADS
This Must Be the Place

Home is where i want to be
Pick me up and turn me round
I feel numb - burn with a weak heart
(so i) guess i must be having fun
The less we say about it the better
Make it up as we go along
Feet on the ground
Head in the sky
It's ok i know nothing's wrong . . nothing

Hi yo i got plenty of time
Hi yo you got light in your eyes
And you're standing here beside me
I love the passing of time
Never for money
Always for love
Cover up + say goodnight . . . say goodnight

Home - is where i want to be
But i guess i'm already there
I come home - -she lifted up her wings
Guess that this must be the place
I can't tell one from another
Did i find you, or you find me?
There was a time before we were born
If someone asks, this where i'll be . . . where i'll be

Hi yo we drift in and out
Hi yo sing into my mouth
Out of all tose kinds of people
You got a face with a view
I'm just an animal looking for a home
Share the same space for a minute or two
And you love me till my heart stops
Love me till i'm dead
Eyes that light up, eyes look through you
Cover up the blank spots
Hit me on the head ah ooh

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Chester Cheetah


I was looking at jobs this weekend. I came across this and applied immediately.

We are looking for two fun loving people (16 or older) who wouldn't object to earning a little extra $$$. This is for the Wal-Mart located on 8500 W Golf Rd in Niles, IL for October 18th from 2pm to 6pm. Here's the scoop: We need 2 people to wear a 9' tall air-inflated Chester Cheetah® WalkAround® at Wal-Mart for 4 hours. Air-inflated costumes are a lot of fun to wear and create a sensation wherever they go The purpose of sending Chester Cheetah to a Wal-Mart store is to add a little fun & entertainment for the customers & employees, courtesy of Frito-Lay®. To learn more visit http://www.saycheese.walkaround.com/ WHAT'S IN IT FOR YOU? First, there's the pay. We pay $160 for the 4-hour event, staffed with two (2) people (required). (It would be your option to use more people, but the $160 would remain the same.) If you are interested, please let me know right away.

There are some rules you must follow as a 9' inflatable cheetah, these are some of my favorites:

- DO NOT speak while you are inside the costume. This is a common rule among mascots. It is important that you use only body language when interacting with people.

- Use caution around children: You are a 9-foot Cheetah! A few children may be a little uneasy. DO NOT force interaction with children.

- Obscene, intimidating and annoying behaviors are obviously improper. The costumes garner huge amounts of attention and you can be sure that many people will notice even minor gestures.