CRACKED

Hey I got my first original article published in Cracked, here it be:

http://www.cracked.com/index.php?name=News&sid=1441&pageid=1

Phish Frontman Arrested

Article From Times Union:

Anastasio arrested in Whitehall
Former Phish frontman charged with DWI-drugs, driving with suspended license, possessing prescription drugs

By BOB GARDINIER, Staff writer


WHITEHALL -- Former Phish frontman Trey Anastasio was arrested by village police early this morning and charged with DWI-drugs after they stopped his car for failure to keep right.

Ernest Anastasio was stopped at 3:30 a.m. by Patrolman Andrew Mija who said the musician was observed to be under the influence of a narcotic substance after failing field testing, Patrolman Jeff Whalen said this morning.

Anastasio lives in Vermont, which is just over the border from this Washington County community. Whalen said he had a suspended driver's license in New York and allegedly was found with an assortment of prescription
medications including hydrocodone, Percocet and Xanax, which were prescribed for another person.

Anastasio was charged with third-degree aggravated unlicensed operation, seventh-degree criminal possession of a controlled substance and DWI - drugs, Whalen said. He was released from custody with appearance tickets for a later date.

_________________________________________________________________

How about they make a series of new movies:

"Ernesto Goes To Rehab and The Band Breaks Up"
"Ernesto Goes to Africa To Hold Hands With Dave Matthews"
"Ernesto Makes A Shitty Record With An Orchestra"
"Ernesto Goes to Jail For A DWI On Pills"

"Fluff went to a banker
Askin for some bills
The banker said, "I aint got that
But I sure got some powerful pills."

For all you that are fans of "U2" rebel music/fans of guys who wear tight jeans and leather vests (B) and those who don't understand the Epic "Tower Jam" at IT. (B) - Above are some ironic lyrics from the song "Fluffhead" by Phish

Forbes Headlines

Hey, heres a list of Forbes Magazine parody headlines. Poor people need not read.

Pork A Relative
Rufus S. Smithton
Why buying pork bellies for family members may be your best investment yet.

Re-discovering Hedge Funds
Patricia Donaldson
Your devious Spanish landscaper is stealing from you and hiding the money in the backyard bushes. Here’s the fastest way to have him deported.

Cornering The Market
Franklin M. McCay
How an enterprising California prostitute Star Nips obtained $200 and a bag of potatoes in one erotic session.

A Billionaire’s Golden Shower
Daniel E. Leinbeck
A voyeuristic look at billionaire Fred Hamilton’s lavish estate including an inside peak at his luxurious gold-plated shower.

The 100 Best Tax Evasion Tactics
Jeffrey K. Kelman
From stuffing mattresses to stashing money in your dead uncle's coffin, we outline the most effective tax loopholes.

How To Cash In On Recyclables
Laura Baker
What your broker isn't telling you about the vaunted bottle deposit industry.

Bonding Your Way Out Of A Paternity Suit
Jonathan S. Douglas
A substantial “gift” of Treasury or consumer goods bonds can go along way to stop a paternity suit. Trust me. I know what I’m talking about. I know what I’m talking about.

You’ll Never Retire
Walter Dooms
Blowing the nest egg on “Red 27” at the casino was a real jackass move.

Full-proofing Your Future
Andrew W. Norman
How to eliminate debt, consolidate loans and bump off your wife and three children without any of the fuss.

Size Does Matter
Star Nips
Hey fellas, invest in some large-cap growth stocks for your lady. Remember the bigger the cap, the greater the rate of return.

Let Them Eat Shit
Tuffs McGee III
An insider’s guide to providing “The Help” with little or no financial reimbursement. And if they complain about it, call the INS. Hey, now we’re talking.

It Pays To Deal Crack
D-RON
Buying low and selling high has never been this intoxicating. Time to start dealing.

Winkler Exposed: Guy Behind The Guy

Winkler Exposed: Guy Behind The Guy
by Bono Isaprick
The Cleveland Steamer Times


Rip Winkler sits alone in the corner of a dimly lit green room with a glass of Johnnie Walker Black. “I don’t drink vodka cause I hate Russians. The Cold War was a bitch. I haven’t driven a car since 911 because I support the troops and refuse to fund terrorism.”

At one time Winkler was clearly on shoulders of giants. He rose to popularity on the set of the popular 1980’s Canadian sitcom, “Grade Nine.” Winkler played a wacky high school chemistry teacher who was always getting in trouble for his unorthodox teaching style. He was kicked off the show after 3 seasons for his debilitating cocaine addiction.

"I remember the days I was down. The days where 5 wanna-be actors would stand around a coffee table and blow lines. I hadn’t worked in months. The worst feeling is having to lay down a puppy dog face in hopes someone will let you bump. I went through 15 years battling addiction and won. I tried my hand at stand-up in the late nineties. I was re-discovered by Seymour Sprinklers (President of Eastern Iowa Public Television Networks) at the ‘Giggle Factory’ in Vancouver. He asked me to host a prime-time public television show called ‘Prose Before Ho’s,’ I’ve been doing it for 10 years now. If I were to give the kids some advice, it would be to always carry business cards on quality printed paper. It’s all about networking."

Five minutes till’ showtime. Winkler is yelling at a young, beautiful blonde contestant, a sociology major from the University of Iowa. “Sweetheart! Sweetheart! Mindy, Mindy, Is her name Mindy? I mean Cindy. You were great! Well, not the best lay of the year. I’ll call my photographer friend I told you about last night. He’ll lay down some great shots of you, real classy ones. You’ll be a star.” Winkler tosses me his trademark wink. What a fucking cliché.

PROSE BEFORE HO'S: THE GAME SHOW PART 2

Rip Winkler (Host): Welcome back to “Prose Before Ho’s!” Before our break Mr. Walken confused Shakespeare’s “MacBeth” for Joseph Stein’s “Fiddler on the Roof,” sending Cindy Olsen to the peanut gallery. Let’s meet our second ho, Jackie Morgan, a junior at the University of Iowa. Jackie tell us a little bit about yourself.

Jackie Morgan: Hi Rip! Like I’m so excited to be here. I want to say holla to all my girlies back in Iowa City. They are like Tivo’ing this cause “Grey’s Anatomy” is on. I enjoy shopping, spray tanning, and drinking with my besties.

Rip Winkler (Host): Thanks Jackie. Can you please ask Mr. Walken his second question?

Jackie Morgan: Mr. Walken, Please give any example of the use of prose in everyday speech?

Mr. Walken: Can you repeat the question?

Rip Winkler (Host): That is correct! Prose is the ordinary language people use in speaking or writing. You could’ve said anything. Consider this one on me Walkstar! Jackie will be going home with you tonight - Jackie please take this cranberry and vodka and join Mr. Walken.

Mr. Walken: Thanks a lot. This is really great. This is the first time I’m bringing a younger woman home without the use of a roofie colada.

Rip Winkler (Host): Jackie is a special lady indeed. You are lucky to have her tonight. Unfortunately you are not the first to have her today... if you know what I mean...she loves to be on camera. YIKES! *winks*

*Rip points to himself and uses his hands to gestures his right pointer finger entering a hole he made with his left hand. He then pans the audience as if he's holding a video camera*

I’m getting the signal for another commercial break; we'll be back in a few for more Pros....

Audience: "PROSE BEFORE HO'S" (in unison) *clapping*

A Post Not About Michael Richards

So Michael Richards walks into a bar...

Breaking up is like a band-aid, the slower you pull it off, the more it's going to hurt. The metaphor here is that the band-aid is the breakup. Word to the wise, treat the band-aid better than the person you are dating. The band-aid does not have emotions or feelings, true, but if you pretend that the band-aid has emotions or feelings, and the person you are dating does not, then the entire process goes much smoother so to speak.

Treat yourself to all different color band-aids, neon colors tend to be the most exciting, although glow and the dark band-aids are always nice for Halloween and scarier breakups like when you're dating vampire and you want to tell her that you prefer to be with a pacifist and you dont know how.

The following is a list of viable reasons for breaking up with somebody. If you are currently in a rocky relationship and you are looking for an out, just pull from this list. Remember there is no I in commitment so leaving someone for frivolous and arbitrary reasons is always acceptable, especially during the holiday season.

It's particularly vital that you inform your lady of the break-up in letter form. That way you are able to ciphen out all of the pesky feelings that might be involved. If you hear the woman specimen start to tear up, you might go back on your original plan of changing your name and moving to another country. Hold tight my friend, hold tight.

Dear Woman Im Dating,
I forget your name right now, but I know we must break up. The following are a list of grievances I have against you. I have loads more and will be sending a file cabinet full of them via DHL in the next couple of days.
From (Not Love),
Your Now Ex-Boyfriend

Failure to eat lunch
Failure to comment on my new motorbike
Failure to wiggle tongue.
Failure to name ALL of the members of the 1992 Dream Team.
Failure to look both ways before crossing the street.
Failure to separate the whites from the darks. You're absentmindness cost me a pack of Hanes.
Failure to chew softy.
Failure to chew loudly.
Failure to introduce me to your new cat.
Failure to stuff my stocking with strictly Rolo's.
Failure to serve a meal without rice.
Failure to understand difference between a rolling and complete stop.
Failure to acknowledge my Manga collection.
Failure to stack chairs in T-form.
Failure to sing-along.
Failure to sell cutlery in a timely fashion.
Failure to renew Blockbuster membership card under proper code name of HOCKEY PANTS.
Failure to recognize my hat.
Failure to tilt head back when laughing.

PROSE BEFORE HO'S: THE GAME SHOW PART 1

The start of a sketch I'm writing...

Rip Winkler (Host): Hi! I'm Rip Winkler, I'd like to welcome you to "Prose Before Ho's" the only game show that combines free flowing speech in the American language and beautiful women with questionable ethics. First let's go over the game. We start the game with one contestant. He will be asked a series of questions involving prose. The questions are read by five lovely drunk ho's that we found at the Union Bar VIP room in Iowa City, IA. If the contestant answers incorrectly the ho that read the question will be sent home. By the end of the five questions the contestant will take home up to five ho's or go "home alone" like a Mr. Macaulay Carson Culkin in a movie with the same name. Ouch! Audience let's play PROS....

Audience: "PROSE BEFORE HO'S" (in unison) *clapping*

Rip Winkler (Host): Let's meet our first contestant, a gym teacher from Walnut Junior High School in Grand Island, NB.- Mr. Walken. *clapping* Tell us a little bit about yourself.

Mr. Walken: There isn't much to say. I love NASCAR, hunting, Ford Trucks, and Girls Volleyball. I used to coach Varsity Girls Volleyball but we had a little situation and I'm on suspension. I've been on lunch supervision for the past 3 months. I didn't touch ....

Rip Winkler (Host): Alright Walken I'll need to cut you off there, Let's Play! Here's comes your first question. Read by Ho, Cindy Olsen. Cindy is a Sociology major who enjoys singing Bon Jovi songs at bar close, Jack Daniels, wearing tube tops in the dead of winter, after hours, and Desperate Housewives. Let's have it Cindy!

Cindy: In what Shakespearean play did Porter say, "Faith sir, we were carousing till the second cock: and drink, sir, is a great provoker of three things."? *giggling*

Rip Winkler (Host) : What's so funny Cindy?

Cindy: I said (beep).

Rip Winkler (Host): From what I hear from the producers you are a huge fan of drinking and sucking (beep). Mr. Walken we need answer.

Mr. Walken: I don't know anything about Shakespeare, for the love of God I'm a gym teacher! The only play I've ever heard of was Fiddler on the Roof. Only because I own a pornographic film of a similar name.

Rip Winkler (Host): Incorrect! The answer is MacBeth. Say goodbye to Cindy! We need to pause for a commercial break, we'll be back in a few for more Pros....

Audience: "PROSE BEFORE HO'S" (in unison) *clapping*

Conversation Starters?

These are conversation starters...

- I taught myself Latin in 9 days. I didn't do anything but take amphetamines and drink coffee. What do you do?

- Last weekend I went on a cocaine binge and wrote an entire book of Finnish Haikus, interesting thing about it is that I don't speak a word of Finnish. How's you steak?

- I once wrote a Rock Opera while I was eating Lucky Charms. It went double platinum in Mongolia. I plan on touring there in the spring. I've got a MySpace page and a dream. What's your name again?