Wu Rally

Wu Tang Klansmen Burn Seinfelds Over Racist Remarks

Scientology Explained

South Park Explains Scientology

Scientology Week

Today's interesting Scientology fact comes from the religion's wedding ceremony- During the ceremony the husband may promise to provide his wife with the following items: "pans, a comb, and perhaps a cat."

The Last Kramer Jab

Michael Richards' Stand-Up Act Kills At Local Klan Rally

Michael Richards in "Whoops Apocalypse"

Clearly his issues were a problem back in 86' but they were never addressed.

Singer-Songwriter Scum!

The other day I was shuffling through my IPod and was amazed at the number of crappy twenty-something singer-songwriters that I have downloaded over the past three years. I began thinking how the music industry let these sperms through and penetrate the diseased egg we call popular music.

I began to think about junior high school, the year 1998. This was the year that every little douche bag and his younger brother decided to pick up an acoustic guitar. (I'd include myself in this group of people but I picked up my first six-string back in 97'.) The result wasn't a string of Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds-esque bands. Instead 85% of my 8th grade class could play the chorus of Sister Hazel's "All For You."

It was impossible to start a band. -

"Can you play drums?"
"No."
"Can you play Bass?"
"No"
"I can play acoustic and electric guitar and the skin flute"
"Sorry buddy we already have 4 guitarists in our band"

Music will continue to suffer through the James Blunts, Ryan Cabreras, and Hanson Brothers until 16 year old girls everywhere begin to think that a dude who picks up a guitar at a party is gay.

You Strike Again Mr. Vonnegut

Reason number 1,096,876 that Kurt Vonnegut in the best living writing today:

"When I think about my own death, I don't console myself with the idea that my descendants and my books and all that will live on. Anybody with any sense knows that the whole solar system will go up like a celluloid collar by-and-by. I honestly believe, though, that we are wrong to think that moments go away, never to be seen again. This moment and every moment lasts forever."

-KV


It's from Wampters, Foma & Granfalloons, one of the few non-fiction books by Vonnegut. Pick it up, it'll change ya.

Come On Kramer

I don't really know what to say about the Michael Richards fiasco other than it was insane, and border line satanical. Cosmo Kramer would never do such a thing.


Top Ten Things Michael Richards Can Never Do For the Rest Of His Life

10)Host BET Music Awards

9)Get his autobiography featured in Oprah's Book Club

8)Shakespeare in the South Side Park

7)Get elected for public office as a Democrat. Republicans however, are still taking calls.

6)Free-style rap.

5)Say "Giddy-up" anywhere near a black person

4)Halle Berry

3)Voice-over narration for scathing Spike Lee documentary about hypocrisy and racism in the entertainment industry.

2)Invite Wu-Tang Klan over for tea and straight talk.

1)Appear in public.

Have You Seen My Bankruptcy Papers?

Where are my bankruptcy papers? Come on, the fun's over har har. OK Hehe. I get it: you hide my bankruptcy papers, I freak out, bite my maid, call Dr. Willstein again and ask for an injection of Zebra hormones to chill my nerves. We've been there before, and I'll admit, it's funny.

I know I lose my temper sometimes, but it's in good fun. I laugh when I think about the time I lost my tip calculator and punched my wife in the face because she said we could just figure it out longhand. Ok that stuff is ripe for parody, but this is serious, I really need my bankruptcy papers.

So you don't have them? Sure. I bet. You don’t have them like when you said you didn't have my insulin, and I had to bite the ring finger of a cotton candy vendor just to get my requisite sugar intake. What was her name again? Oh yeah, it was a he. Dounkel. He smelled like dead cats.

Yeah that was funny too, but please, can you just tell me where my bankruptcy papers are? Oh, you don't have them? Oh you had them but forgot where you put them? Hey, you know what I forgot? I forgot that when you break a beer bottle over a man's head, it bleeds. I just forgot.

Yeah, I remember when Mitch dubbed a Blues Traveler concert and got John Popper on tape saying that cheese is better than most governments. That was his pre-obesity though. Yeah I heard he lost weight. That was funny.

Hey. Come on. Sweet sonofabotch, can I just please have bankruptcy papers? The bank's calling in twenty minutes. Please. My marriage is riding on this. Haha, my wife has been doing a lot of riding of her own lately? Haha, funny. You're kidding right, you're joking. Haha good one. What? Hey. Come on. I hate you.

Barack Speech

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. National Memorial Groundbreaking Ceremony

Monday, November 13, 2006
Remarks of U.S. Senator Barack Obama

I want to thank first of all the King family, we would not be here without them, I want to thank Mr. Johnson and the foundation for allowing me to share this day with all of you. I wish to recognize as well my colleagues in the United States Senate who have helped make today possible. Senators Paul Sarbanes and John Warner, who wrote the bill for this memorial. Senators Thad Cochran and Robert Byrd who appropriated the money to help build it. Thank you all.

I have two daughters, ages five and eight. And when I see the plans for this memorial, I think about what it will like when I first bring them here upon the memorial's completion. I imagine us walking down to this tidal basin, between one memorial dedicated to the man who helped give birth to a nation, and another dedicated to the man who preserved it. I picture us walking beneath the shadows cast by the Mountain of Despair, and gazing up at the Stone of Hope, and reading the quotes on the wall together as the water falls like rain.

And at some point, I know that one of my daughters will ask, perhaps my youngest, will ask, "Daddy, why is this monument here? What did this man do?"

How might I answer them? Unlike the others commemorated in this place, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was not a president of the United States - at no time in his life did he hold public office. He was not a hero of foreign wars. He never had much money, and he while he lived he was reviled at least as much as he was celebrated. By his own accounts, he was a man frequently racked with doubt, a man not without flaws, a man who, like Moses before him, more than once questioned why he had been chosen for so arduous a task - the task of leading a people to freedom, the task of healing the festering wounds of a nation's original sin.

And yet lead a nation he did. Through words he gave voice to the voiceless. Through deeds he gave courage to the faint of heart. By dint of vision, and determination, and most of all faith in the redeeming power of love, he endured the humiliation of arrest, the loneliness of a prison cell, the constant threats to his life, until he finally inspired a nation to transform itself, and begin to live up to the meaning of its creed.

Like Moses before him, he would never live to see the Promised Land. But from the mountain top, he pointed the way for us - a land no longer torn asunder with racial hatred and ethnic strife, a land that measured itself by how it treats the least of these, a land in which strength is defined not simply by the capacity to wage war but by the determination to forge peace - a land in which all of God's children might come together in a spirit of brotherhood.

We have not yet arrived at this longed for place. For all the progress we have made, there are times when the land of our dreams recedes from us - when we are lost, wandering spirits, content with our suspicions and our angers, our long-held grudges and petty disputes, our frantic diversions and tribal allegiances.

And yet, by erecting this monument, we are reminded that this different, better place beckons us, and that we will find it not across distant hills or within some hidden valley, but rather we will find it somewhere in our hearts.

In the Book of Micah, Chapter 6, verse 8, the prophet says that God has already told us what is good.

"What doth the Lord require of thee, the verse tells us, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?"

The man we honor today did what God required. In the end, that is what I will tell my daughters - I will leave it to their teachers and their history books to tell them the rest. As Dr. King asked to be remembered, I will tell them that this man gave his life serving others. I will tell them that this man tried to love somebody. I will tell them that because he did these things, they live today with the freedom God intended, their citizenship unquestioned, their dreams unbounded. And I will tell them that they too can love. That they too can serve. And that each generation is beckoned anew, to fight for what is right, and strive for what is just, and to find within itself the spirit, the sense of purpose, that can remake a nation and transform a world. Thank you very much.

Real CNN Headlines

These are real CNN headlines that I found while browsing their website. These are not Onion articles.
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Thief tricked by David Copperfield pleads guilty

WEST PALM BEACH, Florida (AP) -- One of three teenagers charged with attempting to rob illusionist David Copperfield as he left a performance has pleaded guilty.

Terrance Riley, 17, was sentenced Thursday to two years in prison for three counts of robbery with a weapon and one count of attempted robbery. He will be housed with other inmates under the age of 21.

Circuit Judge Edward Garrison also ordered Riley to testify against his two co-defendants, his brother Dwayne Riley, 18, and Markeith Jones, 17.
Copperfield, 50, and two female assistants were walking from the Kravis Center to their tour bus when they were approached by the teens April 23. The assistants handed over money and a cellphone, but the illusionist turned his pockets inside out to reveal nothing, although he was carrying his passport, wallet and cell phone.

"He said in depositions that he had things on him, but it wasn't difficult to make it seem like there was nothing there," prosecutor Sherri Collins said.

"Terrance was remorseful for what occurred, has told the truth about his involvement and would like everything to disappear," said his attorney, Franklin Prince. Prince said Riley hopes to finish high school behind bars.
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Plastic jack-o'-lantern threatens deer's life

CASCADE TOWNSHIP, Michigan (AP) -- A plastic jack-o'-lantern meant for collecting Halloween candy is threatening the life of a small deer that frequently visits a gated community.

The fake pumpkin has been stuck on the animal's snout for at least several days. It appears to be snagged on the young buck's ears or horn buds and is keeping the animal from eating and possibly drinking.

Animal experts who went to the neighborhood Thursday to assess the situation got within about 35 yards of the deer, said Bert Vescolani, director of the John Ball Zoo in nearby Grand Rapids.

Zoo personnel, as well as other animal experts, planned to return to the site Friday. They hope to shoot a tranquilizer dart into the deer, remove the plastic jack-o'-lantern after the buck becomes unconscious and take the animal somewhere to recover until he can be released back into the wild.

"He seems to be doing pretty well," Vescolani said. "I'm always amazed at how wildlife makes it sometimes, even under the hardest conditions."

Anesthetizing the buck and taking him away carries some degree of risk, Vescolani said, but the creature surely will die of starvation or dehydration unless the plastic pumpkin is removed from his head.

The bucket also would make it much easier for hunters to see the animal when the state's hunting season begins Wednesday.

Vescolani said he and the others will do their best to save the deer.

"There are a lot of folks trying to do the right thing, and hopefully we'll get the right results that'll be the best for the animal," he said.

Flintstones Chewable Morning After Pills

Here's an idea I dreamt up... "10 Million Strong and Growing?"

New York Pictures: The Remix

Coney Island

Barackstar!

Bustin' out my skills.

Prank Call

Here is a transcript from an awesome prank call I made yesterday to a housekeeping service. I did awesome, can't say the same for the cleaning lady on the other end of the phone though. SHE DIDNT STAND A CHANCE from the very beginning, she's all like, "What? Huh?" and I was like, "Yeah, I did just say pee stains." It was awsome.


Transcript Wednesday Novemeber 1, 1:15 P.M.


Miracle Maids: Good aftering noon this is Miracle Maids. How can I help you?

ME: Yeah, Hi ahhh, this is Joe (laughs), ahhh, Joe Smith. (laughs)

MM:Hi Joe, what can we help you with?

ME:Yeah ahh, I want to clean my house. It's dirty.

MM:OK, Where are you located Joe?

ME:(laughs) Where are you located? (laughs)

MM:What?

ME:Haaaa. Nothing.

MM: Where is your home located? Your address?

ME: 1234 West Street.

MM: Is that in Manhattan.

ME: No. (laughs) It's at your mom's house. (very loud laughter)

MM: I'm hanging up now. Please dont call this number again.

ME: OK, (laughs) Pee Stains.

end of call.