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Sunday, January 21, 2007

New Year's

Its never too late to consider New Year Resolutions, here are some ham-filled thoughts. I love you:

The New Year, is always such an exciting, exciting time. A hopeful time. For you humans that are capable of feeling hope. I had a great New Year’s this year. I spent the night with 50 total strangers, all of whom didn’t know I was there.

So I spent the night by myself and had a champagne or 20. And whenever the ball drops at midnight, I always get hopeful and sentimental. So when it was midnight, I paused, threw up on the girl next to me, cleaned her off a bit, didnt apologize, and thought, man, this is going to be my year. 2007 is going to my year. There will be no year like this year. You get that? That New Year’s buzz, where youre so excited about life because it’s the new year, anthing can happen, anything is possible. you have a new bounce in your step. But then January 2 comes around and you wake up, and you’re like, “Oh yeah, that’s right, my life sucks.”

All the sudden, You walk outside and a huge rain cloud descends over your head and your head only, and it follows you everywhere. Your like. “Man I thought I was going to get away with it this year, but the suck cloud found me again.”

But I do think its important to remain optimistic and that’s why we have New Years Resolutions. We have New Year’s Resolutions so we can kid ourselves into thinking that if we announce that we are going to do something, by gosh, we will do it! But to me, ultimately, New Year Resolutions are like supermodels, they are fun to fantasize about, but really hard to meet.

I love New Yea r’s Resolutions though, because you hear people saying the craziest things in the most determined way. “THIS IS THE YEAR THAT I TAKE MY EXERCISE BALL SERIOUSLY!!!!! No More treating it like as really fun bouncy ball, No More throwing it at my kids! I’m going to use the ball for it’s intended purposes, and Im going to give myself a 37-pack. If not a 37 pack, I’m going to give my stomach two kegs and a 40 of Miller high life.”

But resolutions last for a couple of days, then you’re back to watching Fear Factor reruns and eating buckets of loose meat. So instead of resolutions, I have come up with a list of things that I will NOT be doing in 2007, because I know these are things that I can really count on. I will read one now and the rest through out the rest of the night.

New Year’s resolutions that I am NOT Going to Do:

-In the year 2007, I will NOT struggle with my self confidence. I will have NO problems with my self-esteem. What do you mean you wont have any problems with your self-confidence? Of you course you will struggle with your self-esteem. Who do you think you are, you CLUELESS PANSY.

-In the year 2007, I will NOT become BLACK. This will not be by choice. I am well fed up with my CASPER tan, and would love to become African-American, but unfortunately my racist genes WONT let that happen.

-In the year 2007, I will NOT shamelessly endorse or advertise any product, but seriously though, have you tired the all new REAL white meat chicken nuggets from McDonalds. They’re incredible. Isnt it scary that now McDonald’s calls it REAL meat, I guess before the nuggets were made out of Nutrasweet.

-In the year 2007, I will NOT shoot a man on a horse. I repeat, in the year 2007, I will NOT shoot a man on a horse. However, a man on top of my mother will be as good as dead.

-In the year 2007, I will NOT childproof my home. No, I refuse to childproof my home. This means that I will finally be able to get into the refrigerator, open jars of my baby food, and use a REAL toilet.

-In the year 2007, there will be no jigging of any kind. I will not participate in the jig, watch a jog being performed, I don’t want to even smell the jig. I will not even lift one of my legs to stretch. However, small rotating hip circles are perfectly acceptable.


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