News Thats Not Real

OK friends, here are some more Onion-type headlines, let me know when the smell gets to you.

-Animal Testing Lab Falls Victim To Breast Cancer Awareness Raid
-Area Man Wishes Had Hybrid's Independence
-Daniel Day-Lewis Fears Typecast Of Husband In Most Recent Marriage
-Human Growth Hormone Spawns Massive Lincoln Head On Penny
-Middle School Struggles To Get Same Attention As Older, Younger Schools
-Overworked Democrats Hand Congress Back To Republicans
-Spare House Key Hidden In Family Dog
-A Velociraptor Balloon Animal Belongs In A Museum
-Celebrity Stabber Demands Full Creative Control Of Next Project
-Spiritual Actualization Ends At Strip Poll
-Sudanese Diplomats Hopelessly Disgraced By Unpaid Parking Tickets
-Fallen War Hero's Mom Just As Satisfied With The Medal
-Ticker-Tape Parade Scheduled For 'Whoever Makes It Home' From Iraq
-DNA Links Man To Himself