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Tuesday, December 05, 2006

A Post Not About Michael Richards

So Michael Richards walks into a bar...

Breaking up is like a band-aid, the slower you pull it off, the more it's going to hurt. The metaphor here is that the band-aid is the breakup. Word to the wise, treat the band-aid better than the person you are dating. The band-aid does not have emotions or feelings, true, but if you pretend that the band-aid has emotions or feelings, and the person you are dating does not, then the entire process goes much smoother so to speak.

Treat yourself to all different color band-aids, neon colors tend to be the most exciting, although glow and the dark band-aids are always nice for Halloween and scarier breakups like when you're dating vampire and you want to tell her that you prefer to be with a pacifist and you dont know how.

The following is a list of viable reasons for breaking up with somebody. If you are currently in a rocky relationship and you are looking for an out, just pull from this list. Remember there is no I in commitment so leaving someone for frivolous and arbitrary reasons is always acceptable, especially during the holiday season.

It's particularly vital that you inform your lady of the break-up in letter form. That way you are able to ciphen out all of the pesky feelings that might be involved. If you hear the woman specimen start to tear up, you might go back on your original plan of changing your name and moving to another country. Hold tight my friend, hold tight.

Dear Woman Im Dating,
I forget your name right now, but I know we must break up. The following are a list of grievances I have against you. I have loads more and will be sending a file cabinet full of them via DHL in the next couple of days.
From (Not Love),
Your Now Ex-Boyfriend

Failure to eat lunch
Failure to comment on my new motorbike
Failure to wiggle tongue.
Failure to name ALL of the members of the 1992 Dream Team.
Failure to look both ways before crossing the street.
Failure to separate the whites from the darks. You're absentmindness cost me a pack of Hanes.
Failure to chew softy.
Failure to chew loudly.
Failure to introduce me to your new cat.
Failure to stuff my stocking with strictly Rolo's.
Failure to serve a meal without rice.
Failure to understand difference between a rolling and complete stop.
Failure to acknowledge my Manga collection.
Failure to stack chairs in T-form.
Failure to sing-along.
Failure to sell cutlery in a timely fashion.
Failure to renew Blockbuster membership card under proper code name of HOCKEY PANTS.
Failure to recognize my hat.
Failure to tilt head back when laughing.


  • it got bad, inevitably. broadhead s going to curse her out for making me wake him up at 450am. why. how. mostly why. this stinks, and im thinking that im a piece of trash for being so fucking sexy and getting her into me, somewhat. tonite was UP then down to the bowels. im not wasted even tho its morning and im still up. this crushes.fuckfuckfuckshit why am i not regretting a thing :)

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:17 AM  

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