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Thursday, December 14, 2006

Forbes Headlines

Hey, heres a list of Forbes Magazine parody headlines. Poor people need not read.

Pork A Relative
Rufus S. Smithton
Why buying pork bellies for family members may be your best investment yet.

Re-discovering Hedge Funds
Patricia Donaldson
Your devious Spanish landscaper is stealing from you and hiding the money in the backyard bushes. Here’s the fastest way to have him deported.

Cornering The Market
Franklin M. McCay
How an enterprising California prostitute Star Nips obtained $200 and a bag of potatoes in one erotic session.

A Billionaire’s Golden Shower
Daniel E. Leinbeck
A voyeuristic look at billionaire Fred Hamilton’s lavish estate including an inside peak at his luxurious gold-plated shower.

The 100 Best Tax Evasion Tactics
Jeffrey K. Kelman
From stuffing mattresses to stashing money in your dead uncle's coffin, we outline the most effective tax loopholes.

How To Cash In On Recyclables
Laura Baker
What your broker isn't telling you about the vaunted bottle deposit industry.

Bonding Your Way Out Of A Paternity Suit
Jonathan S. Douglas
A substantial “gift” of Treasury or consumer goods bonds can go along way to stop a paternity suit. Trust me. I know what I’m talking about. I know what I’m talking about.

You’ll Never Retire
Walter Dooms
Blowing the nest egg on “Red 27” at the casino was a real jackass move.

Full-proofing Your Future
Andrew W. Norman
How to eliminate debt, consolidate loans and bump off your wife and three children without any of the fuss.

Size Does Matter
Star Nips
Hey fellas, invest in some large-cap growth stocks for your lady. Remember the bigger the cap, the greater the rate of return.

Let Them Eat Shit
Tuffs McGee III
An insider’s guide to providing “The Help” with little or no financial reimbursement. And if they complain about it, call the INS. Hey, now we’re talking.

It Pays To Deal Crack
Buying low and selling high has never been this intoxicating. Time to start dealing.


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